Content Note: This article discusses grooming and child sexual abuse. If you or someone you know needs support, call RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673), visit rainn.org/hotline, or text HOPE to 64673.
When teenagers fall in love for the first time, it can feel exhilarating, all-consuming, and overwhelming. But for some, what feels like love is actually something far more dangerous: grooming.
Survivor and public speaker Michelle Denault knows this firsthand. As a teenager, she was groomed and sexually abused by one of her high school teachers. Today, she helps parents, students, and communities understand how grooming works—and how to protect kids.
“Abusers look at a kid who’s eager and engaged, and they see opportunity.”
Grooming Through Fear vs. Grooming Through “Love”
Most people imagine grooming as something rooted in fear—threats, intimidation, or coercion. Denault explains that while that dynamic exists, many abusers rely on the opposite approach: they make a teenager feel special, adored, and chosen.
“When a child is groomed to ‘fall in love’ with their abuser, they don’t think they’re experiencing abuse,” she says. “They think sexual activity is the next natural step. It doesn’t feel scary. It doesn’t feel awkward. But it IS abuse.”
For tweens and teens, who are developmentally wired to seek connection and explore identity, “love”-based grooming can be especially confusing. Abusers may frame the relationship as a secret romance that others just wouldn’t understand.
Denault recalls: “My teacher had a motorcycle, and I LOVED him. I really thought, ‘This is love.’ He didn’t have to use fear to get to me; my biggest fear was losing the relationship—losing his love. It’s emotional blackmail.”
Why Teens Don’t Recognize Abuse
Adolescents who are groomed often believe they are in control. Abusers manipulate them into thinking they’re mature, irresistible, or even the one “seducing” the adult.
“In these love-grooming situations, the kid being victimized truly believes they’re the one driving the relationship,” Denault explains. “They’re constantly being told they’re irresistible, beautiful, seductive.”
This confusion is compounded by societal myths. Too often, adults blame teenage victims, suggesting they “knew what they were doing.” Denault pushes back firmly:
“We’re talking about students who have to raise their hand for permission to go to the bathroom. What makes us think they’re wise enough to have sex with adults?”
Warning Signs for Parents & Communities
Denault emphasizes that abuse can happen in any family. The myth that it only happens to “bad kids” with “bad parents” prevents people from seeing the real risks.
“Sometimes the kids who are the most vulnerable are the overachievers, the people pleasers, the ones who always do their best and thrive on recognition from authority figures,” she says. “Abusers look at a kid who’s eager and engaged, and they see opportunity.”
Signs that a teen may be experiencing grooming or sexual abuse include:
- Sudden changes in grades or behavior
- A once-outgoing teen becomes secretive
- Excessive deference to a particular authority figure
- Dressing up more than usual for school or activities
- Strong emotional reactions if questioned about a specific adult
What Parents & Teachers Should Do
If you suspect a teen is being abused, Denault advises against confronting the child directly with accusations.
“They may not be willing to give up the abuser. They may even try to protect them. That’s why it’s important to get your local child advocacy center involved. They’re trained to talk to kids who don’t yet recognize it as abuse.”
Steps adults can take:
- Report immediately. Contact child protective services, your local child advocacy center, or law enforcement if you suspect abuse.
- Prioritize safety over comfort. “It is not your job to decide whether you’re going to ‘ruin’ that person’s life or not,” advises Denault. “It is your job to pick up the phone and report the suspected child abuse.”
- Support the child—even if they resist. Teens may be angry if their “relationship” is exposed, but rescuing a young person from exploitation is worth their temporary anger.
- Provide therapy and peer support. Hearing from other survivors can help a teen recognize what happened as abuse.
The Painful Realization
Perhaps the hardest part for survivors is untangling love from abuse. “A lot of kids love these abusers. They really do, to the extent that they understand love,” Denault says. “So it’s devastating when someone who was groomed and sexually abused realizes that they weren’t actually experiencing love; they were being preyed on. We teach kids that love is the most important thing in the world, then abusers use ‘love’—care, kindness, and concern—to cause serious, long-lasting harm.”
“It’s devastating when someone who was groomed and sexually abused realizes that they weren’t actually experiencing love; they were being preyed on.”
For Denault, that realization is ongoing. “Sometimes, I can still think about the teacher who groomed and abused me and remember why I loved him. That’s a completely normal experience for anyone who was groomed and abused by an authority figure. I can’t put into words how difficult it is to accept that your ‘great love story’ was actually a story of manipulation and abuse. Acceptance is part of a lifelong healing journey.”
How Communities Can Step In
Denault also calls on peers, educators, and community members to take action.
“Your friend may be mad at you, but there are some secrets we don’t keep. Suicide is one of them. Sexual abuse is another. Because you’re saving your friend from a lifetime of trauma.”
Schools, sports teams, churches, and other institutions must recognize that predators often seek out roles where they’ll be trusted. Vigilance, mandatory reporting, and proactive education are essential to breaking the cycle.
Real Love Doesn’t Exploit
Denault’s message to parents and professionals is clear: don’t underestimate how powerful “love” can feel to a teenager—and how easily it can be exploited.
“Kids just give their innocent hearts,” Denault explains. “They’re not doing anything wrong. This is not about sex to them; it’s about love. It’s up to adults to recognize the warning signs, report abuse, and create communities where kids are safe to grow and thrive.”
Last updated: October 1, 2025